050: Understanding Procrastination: A Trauma Coping Mechanism

Are you living under the shadow of procrastination, always promising to do things 'tomorrow'? Let's unravel the truth together, that procrastination is more than just a bad habit - it's often a coping strategy for dealing with past traumas.

In this episode, I get real about my own struggles with procrastination and its ripple effects on my entrepreneurial journey.  Not only do we dissect this common issue, but we also uncover if our delaying tactics are rooted in past traumas. Just imagine the relief and liberation that comes with understanding procrastination from this fresh perspective.

Ready to break free from the invisible chains of procrastination? Together, we navigate a six-step process crafted specifically to conquer procrastination, especially when it's a trauma response. We discuss the power of self-compassion, taking manageable steps, discerning between safety and comfort, effective time management, and how to stop seeking external validation. Every step of the way, we celebrate even the tiniest progress because big victories are just a series of small wins.


Connect with us on social media, share your experiences, and let's journey towards overcoming procrastination. Remember, a flawthentic life awaits you on the other side of every delayed task.

Join the Flawthentic Me community of powerful women who are always there to celebrate you.. Join Membership here!

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Transcript

Sunny: 0:00

If you are a procrastinator, this episode is for you, because your procrastination might be tied to an emotional trauma response, and that's what we are going to talk about today. Let's dive in. This is Fluff and Thick Mean, a self-love podcast for South Asian women. A place where we celebrate self-love even when we feel imperfect or flawed. A safe space where you can be raw, real and authentic. And here's your host, self-love and mindset coach, sunny Lamper. Welcome back to another episode of Flawthentic Me, and I'm your host, Sunny. It's been a month since the last episode, and the only excuse I have is that I am a self-proclaimed procrastinator. I have said that before in earlier episodes as well. While I coach my clients through procrastination, it is something that I struggle with myself, and I have to continuously coach myself too. Today, I want to talk about what is procrastination, how procrastination is a trauma response, how to recognize whether your procrastination is a trauma response or not, and then how do you overcome it. And, finally, I will give you a few things that can help you build long-term self-care and emotional resilience so that your trauma doesn't convert into procrastination anymore. Before we dive into today's topic, I want to give you a special gift. Today I'm talking about procrastination as a trauma response, and I have developed a journal questionnaire for you which will help you figure out if you are a procrastinator because of the trauma that you have been through. You can grab it through the show notes or send me a personal message on Instagram and I'll send you the link. And now let's talk about this topic of procrastination.

Sunny: 2:10

My entire life I have been a procrastinator. I would finish my essays, my papers, the night before submission, or sometimes it had to be submitted at midnight and I would be submitting it at 11.59 pm. Who else is with me on that one? When I was working in a job, it was okay. I still procrastinated, but I had to report to someone, I had a boss, so I was accountable and I would always finish things right before the deadline, just in enough time that I don't get into trouble or it doesn't show up in my annual appraisal. But the day I became an entrepreneur, procrastination kicked my butt. How many of you relate to that? I procrastinated on the smallest things and in the last six years of my journey as an entrepreneur I have got a pretty good grip on it, but it's still there and I always used to think that it is because the way my brain is wired, it is because I believe I do have undigrosed ADHD, or it is because I need instant gratification. So let me ask you do you procrastinate, and why do you think you do that? Do you feel that I'm just this lazy person and I am just not disciplined enough and I can never get over this? What if I told you that procrastination can be a trauma response? As I am working through my own traumas from childhood, especially losing my mother and many other traumas that most of us South Asian women have been through, I have come to realize that procrastination, in my case, is a trauma response.

Sunny: 3:57

Let's start by defining procrastination. It is the act of delaying or postponing tasks, especially when they require immediate attention or completion. It's that feeling of putting off what we know we should do until a later time, even though it leads to stress, guilt and a ton of missed opportunity. So if you are a high achieving woman, or if you are an entrepreneur, a small business owner, do you procrastinate? Let me ask you what do you think you will be in your life if you didn't procrastinate? What big dream project you would have finished? What you would have accomplished. Maybe you would have applied for another job, a promotion, maybe you would have started that business, maybe you would have taken all those actions in your business that you need to Started a podcast, written a book, started a YouTube channel, maybe an Instagram page, become an influencer, maybe you would have finished a home project or you would have taken that course that you have been wanting to take. But procrastination has not allowed you to do all these things. So procrastination often drops us off the opportunities to achieve our goals and fulfill our full potential.

Sunny: 5:14

Now, people who don't understand where our procrastination comes from. They might think it's as simple as saying well, just do it. Why are you not doing it? And let me tell you when I have something that's out of my comfort zone, a big project, something new, I would do anything to avoid doing that. That is the time when I want to clean the kitchen, when I want to organize my whole desk, clean up my paperwork, call that friend that I've been wanting to call, clean up the fridge, make my phone more organized, change the folders in my phone, anything. I would come up with anything to do, but not work on that project. Do you resonate with that? Procrastination is not as simple as I just need to tell myself and do it. I just need to put a timer and do it. Do you procrastinate on a project by just doing research on that project forever and ever and ever? I do that for sure.

Sunny: 6:12

Let's talk about how procrastination is a trauma response and how this pattern emerges. It's not just about avoiding the tasks. It can be a coping mechanism and it is coming from past traumas. It's not lack of willpower. Trust me. You can use all the willpower you want, but if you have trauma, all your willpower is being used up in survival and self-protection.

Sunny: 6:36

Example you're asked to give a presentation at work or you have to approach a new client, a prospective client, and you need to reach out to them, send them that message, but you don't do it because it triggers anxiety. You don't even realize that anxiety is there. And where is that coming from? Maybe as a child, when some guests came over, your parents told you to sing a poem. Now, if you were a keener like me, maybe you were like, yeah, let me do it. But if you didn't feel comfortable and your parents said no, no, no, just do it, just do it, just recite that new poem you learned, or the latest dance step you learned, show it. As a child you felt unsafe. So now, when you have to do a new project, you right away go into survival mode.

Sunny: 7:22

Here's one that, as a South Asian, you will relate to. If you had the pressure to have good grades in school or your mistakes were scrutinized, so now you're scared to make mistakes. That's the trauma. And now, when you have to work on a project, you are so scared to make a mistake that you'd rather just not even do it. There's another one. What if you had emotionally unavailable parents, or just unavailable parents? In my case, my mother passed away at a very young age and that was always emotionally unavailable. So when you have emotionally unavailable parents or unavailable parents, your needs are not met. So you are in a survival mode because you feel alone and you have to deal with every situation yourself. And now, as an adult, you don't want to feel that fight, flight or freeze response. As a little child, when you had to do something, for example, I had to go to the bank for the first time and I had no idea what to do. I was so scared. But at that time I had to be the strong girl. So I went to the bank and did whatever needed to be done, talked to the teller and did it. This was right after mom passed away, about few months after that. But now, as an adult, I remember how scary that was and I go into fight, flight or freeze.

Sunny: 8:41

Procrastination is usually either freeze or flight, so you run away from the thing that you need to do, or you just freeze, you just don't do it. Procrastination is a way for our bodies and minds to cope with that discomfort which comes from those childhood memories. Do you know that our bodies remember the trauma? Psychiatrist Besselvendor Koch once said traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies. The past is alive in the form of a knowing interior discomfort. And that is what's happening with our unprocessed trauma. It doesn't just disappear, it is stored inside our bodies and whenever we have to do something like go for an interview, do a presentation at work, do a presentation outside I procrastinated to start this podcast for two years. I want to do a TEDx speech, but every time I have to apply for one, I freeze and I end up not applying. So where I could have applied for 200 and maybe by now would have got in, I've applied for like five.

Sunny: 9:50

Next, let's talk about how do you recognize whether your procrastination is just a habit or if it is a coping mechanism, because not every procrastinator is coming from trauma. Sometimes it has just become a habit or it is just how our brain is wired. We need instant gratification, so we procrastinate. Here are a few ways you can know whether your procrastination is a trauma response or not, and if you're aware of these signs, it is then easy for you to connect the dots and figure out how to now deal with it. If you're consistently putting off tasks that trigger feelings of fear, anxiety or shame or perfection, then it is a sign that your procrastination may be tied to unresolved emotional trauma or emotional issues. If you find yourself procrastinating in situations that remind you of past traumatic experiences even if the tasks are unrelated to that trauma, but it reminds you then, yes, you probably need to sit down and see.

Sunny: 10:58

Okay, why is this past trauma being triggered? Even though what I'm doing right now is so simple, our body is reacting as if it's a life or death situation, even though it's just recording a podcast sitting behind this microphone. No one is going to kill me, but I am going right away to that little child who had to perform, who could not make mistakes, who was being judged by everyone else just because her mom was not there to protect her. It meant that the neighbors, the relatives, the family could judge me, and even though they were not judging me, they probably were just making comments like oh, the house is dirty. My inner child, that little girl, thought oh, my God, I'm not good enough. The house is dirty, mom is not here and my house is dirty. So I was performing. I was performing to please everyone. And now, as an adult, I am still performing to please everyone.

Sunny: 11:56

And whenever there is a situation where I am anxious, right away my primitive brain takes over and it considers that threat as a life and death situation, as if there is a lion chasing me. Because that is what my brain has learned from evolution perspective. So I go into fight, flight or freeze response and I procrastinate. Now you must be asking me OK, we get it. Our procrastination is coming from emotional trauma. But what can we do? How do we overcome this? Let me tell you. I have tried everything that's been out there until I found out it's a trauma response. I tried time management techniques and I made lists and I put timers on and I did accountability and I had someone who would call and check on me if I finished that project or not, or if I did whatever I put on my list or not. I did reward systems, but I still procrastinate on bigger tasks. So we need to be aware, and that is the first step to overcome your procrastination.

Sunny: 13:01

Number one is self-awareness. Start by developing that self-awareness. Reflect on what are your emotional triggers behind the procrastination. Once you identify these triggers, you can now address the root cause. So go back, see which kind of tasks are you procrastinating on, what feelings or emotions are coming up, and then how are they related to your past traumatic events or childhood experiences? Second step is self-compassion. Be kind to yourself.

Sunny: 13:37

When we are procrastinating, we're already going through emotional trauma, but then when we don't finish our tasks, we are hyper-critical of ourselves. We shame ourselves. Oh my gosh, here I am Once again. I put that on my list and I didn't do it. I am the worst person ever. I will never, ever achieve anything because I cannot do some simple tasks. Shaming yourself is only going to make it worse. So thank your inner child for protecting you. Tell her that I got you. This adult version of mine can handle this. So you can relax, understand that healing takes time and it's okay to make mistakes and celebrate your small wins, acknowledge the progress, how far you have come, look back and celebrate your journey.

Sunny: 14:29

Next step is taking baby steps. When we have a huge, big project right away, our brain is going to retaliate and all the anxiety is going to hit. The emotional trauma is going to come. Our body is going to take over. Pushing yourself will only trigger that trauma response even further. So take baby steps so that you are pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone in smaller ways.

Sunny: 14:56

When I have to do a new topic in my podcast and I procrastinate on it because it's something new, it's something I've just learned about, what I end up doing is break it down into small steps. I do some research and that's it. I say, okay, today I'm only going to do research and that doesn't feel as scary, it doesn't trigger the emotional trauma response. Then the next day I said, okay, now that I've done some research, let me just write down some bullet points. What do I want to talk about? So taking small steps gives you space to breathe and gives you time to process those emotional responses, that anxiety that is coming up.

Sunny: 15:34

Number four know the difference between safety and comfort. Are you just not doing it because it's outside of your comfort zone or are you actually physically in danger? So if you're actually physically in danger which could be possible, if you have anxiety, especially if you're someone who has been diagnosed with anxiety and you feel the physical symptoms of anxiety, then you need to seek professional help. But if it is just your comfort zone, then know that difference. I am safe. I'm not in any kind of physical danger. There is no lying chasing me. My parents are not here. They're not going to get mad at me. I will not be yelled at, I will not be punished. If I make a small mistake, it's no big deal. Reminding yourself that this is just my trauma response coming and I am safe, and reminding your inner child that she is safe will help you move forward.

Sunny: 16:30

Next one is, of course, time management techniques. Now I said that they don't work, but once you have figured out your emotional responses and where is it coming from, then you can implement some time management techniques which can help you stay organized and stay focused. These I have done so many live videos about, I have posted about in the past before I knew where this was actually coming from. But just you know, breaking down your task into smaller tasks, manageable steps, putting timers, putting alarms, having someone who is holding you accountable, really, really works. And the last one is removing external validation. This is what happened this week. I met a friend for coffee and she said you haven't done your podcast in a while. I love your podcast. It's so amazing. I really relate to it. I listen to all the episodes and that external validation pushed me to record this today. So remove that external validation.

Sunny: 17:30

Do it for yourself. You should have motivation coming from within yourself, because you will not always have that friend who will remind you how amazing you are. So you have to remind yourself how amazing you are, and that's why you have to celebrate your small steps, small wins. When you win, celebrate. When you accomplish something, celebrate, because that will then create that intrinsic motivation, the motivation that's coming from within you, and you're not always needing someone else to tell you that, oh, you should do this, why are you not doing it? It's good to have accountability partners. I have an accountability partner and we both check in with each other every day through a text message this is what's on my list. And then at night we tell, okay, this is what I accomplished, this is what I didn't. That is good to have. But to look for someone to tell you that, oh, you're so amazing, so you should do this, that is hard because sometimes the work we are doing is not always acknowledged, but you should be doing it because you want to do it.

Sunny: 18:38

Maya Angelou once said you may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the trauma that we have been through, and I'm not even talking about generational trauma. So there's not just you, your trauma, there's also trauma that your parents went through, your grandparents went through. That is another episode. I have been procrastinating on generational trauma and I will do that, but there's so much trauma that has happened, but let's not let that control us.

Sunny: 19:13

So let me recap how you can overcome procrastination which is coming from trauma response. Number one being self-aware. Number two be kind to yourself. Number three take baby steps. Number four know the difference between safety and comfort. Number five time management techniques. And lastly, removing external validation. And finally, I want to give you a few other things, because the steps that I gave you will help you overcome the behavior, overcome procrastination, but in the long run, you also need to nurture your emotional well-being. You need to faster, more self-compassion.

Sunny: 19:58

Building emotional resilience is one step towards self-compassion Just knowing that you have the capacity to bounce back when things don't go the way you expected them to. And that comes from practice. It's just acknowledging that setbacks and challenges are a part of life, but not letting them define your self-worth. If something happens, something doesn't go the way you want to do, you set up a goal and you didn't accomplish that goal. Just being self-compassionate, and the more you practice that slowly you become more emotionally resilient. And when you become more emotionally resilient then you're not going to let the trauma of that experience control you in the future.

Sunny: 20:42

Next one is, of course, self-care, and self-care I've said it a million times is not just about getting massages and facials and all. It is about doing the things that will make you stronger physically, emotionally and mentally. It could be meditation, it could be breath work, doing pranayama every morning, breathing, breathing is such a powerful tool we all have and we forget about it. The other one is journaling. How many times I have said you have to start journaling. So journaling, spending time in nature, spending time with your loved ones, dancing, listening to music, maybe singing along with it, doing fun creative things coloring is one of them or any creative art project these are a few things that will help you build your emotional well-being.

Sunny: 21:32

And, finally, having a support system. It is so important to have people around you who are there to support you and lift you and hold you accountable as well, and unfortunately, sometimes in our South Asian families, we don't get that support system from our family. So find it outside, build that community, become a part of that community. Talking about building that community, did you know that I have a membership in which you can meet me once a week? It's a group membership and I coach you. I teach you about all these techniques meditation, how to journal, how to do the breath work and I also help you with why are you procrastinating? Let's talk about that today. So I coach you through these things. And it is a community of South Asian women, all women who are high achieving entrepreneurs, who want to do big things in life, but they're stuck because of trauma responses or procrastination or perfectionism and all these things, so that can be your support system. The link to know more about the membership is also in the show notes. It is as low as your coffee every day. If you can completely change yourself, unlock yourself. For that kind of investment, I would jump on that. So check that out.

Sunny: 22:49

My favorite author, branne Brown, said in her book Daring Greatly, owning your story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. So stop running from it. It's time that you take control of your emotions. Your emotions are the key to unlocking you. Your emotions are the trigger that will show you where do you go next, what steps you need to take to heal. So take control of those emotions, and what I mean by taking control is becoming aware of that At the end.

Sunny: 23:26

I just want to say that if you have been a procrastinator your entire life and if you have been in that cycle of self shame, self criticism, self doubt, then it is time to understand that it's not you, it's a lot of us and it's coming from our childhood experiences or our past traumatic experiences, and there is a way to change that. You can change that. Connect with me if you want to talk more about it, or if you are someone who needs coaching on specifically this one thing, because I know how many of us are not living up to our full potential because we are procrastinating. Let's stop that. Let's believe in our magic and let's step up and live up to that full potential. But for that we first need to heal Heal from everything that the world told us when the world told us that we are not good enough. We are ready to heal from that and we can heal together as a community.

Sunny: 24:27

Thank you so much for joining me today. I am so, so grateful for each and every one of you who takes the time to listen to this podcast and specifically those of you who send me a message and tell me that it's so good, because that keeps me going, even though I'm not supposed to look for external validation, but it does help. It helps me to record that next episode. So if you found this helpful, send me a message. I would love to hear from you when I see how many people listened to the podcast episode.

Sunny: 24:59

I don't know who those anonymous names are, so I would love to know who you are and if this has helped you and you think it can help someone else. Please share this episode with that person. They will thank you one day. You can connect with me on Instagram at Sunny, underscore Lamba S-U-N-N-Y. Underscore L-A-M-B-A, or you can send me an email on sunny at flauthenticmecom, which is spelled exactly as the name of this podcast. Don't forget to grab the free journaling questionnaire from the show notes and on that note, this is Sunny signing off. Until next time, keep loving yourselves and stay flauthentic.