Flawthentic ME
Flawthentic ME
061: Whose Business Are You In?
Have you ever found yourself entangled in the messy web of someone else's drama, feeling the weight of the world's negativity on your shoulders?
In this episode, I am talking about living a stress free life by asking yourself this one life-changing question, "Whose business am I in?"
Together, we'll explore the delicate balance between caring for our friends and family, while maintaining our own mental space amidst a cacophony of distractions.
I also talk about the power of letting go, the significance of personal agency in love and friendship, and the freedom that comes with surrendering control over the uncontrollable.
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Have you ever found yourself worried about a friend who is in a wrong relationship or is just making all the wrong decisions? Whose business are you in? Let's dive deeper. This is Flawthentic Me, a self-love podcast for South Asian women. A place where we celebrate self-love even when we feel imperfect or flawed. A safe space where you can be raw, real and authentic. And here's your host, self-love and mindset coach, sunny Lamba.
Sunny Lamba:Hello, my friends, welcome back to another episode. I am really excited about this one because, since I found this one question to ask myself, my life has become so stress-free. And that question is whose business am I in? In today's episode, I'm going to explain you what does that mean and how does that apply to our life, our relationships, our stress and everything in our life. If you start asking yourself this one question, your life is going to become so, so, so easy and simple and so stress-free. I have said so like six times already, so here we go again Whose business are you in?
Sunny Lamba:I was talking to a client and she is worried about her brother. Her brother is married and she's worried about the way things are being done in his house or how much control his wife has, or she's just worried that her brother is losing his identity because decisions are made more by his wife. Not to divulge into the whole situation too much, but it is coming from a place of love and care and I understand because I have a little brother and the fact that I lost my mother at such a young age and I took care of my brother. He was only five when mom passed. So I am kind of his mother and I do worry about him, I care about him, I love him and sometimes I want to protect him from everything and anything. I really want to go out of my way to do things for him. But one thing I learned about a couple years back is asking myself this one question, and it has made my relationship with my brother so much better. It has made my life a lot stress-free. And that question is whose business am I in?
Sunny Lamba:In her book Loving what Is Byron Katie talks about three types of business your business, other people's business and God slash universe business. And when we say God or universe business, it means basically reality, things that are out of our control. Let's go deeper into this. My business is anything that has to do with my thoughts, feelings, actions, behavior, decisions, anything that is within my control, and also anything that directly impacts me or comes from me. We have to be responsible of our own thoughts and emotions and behaviors. That is so, so significant. For example, what am I going to eat today is my business. How much exercise I'm going to do is my business. How I'm going to show up in my business, how am I going to show up on this podcast, what I'm going to say on this podcast, how I talk to my clients, how I run my business, how I keep my house clean, or how I make my bed, what time do I want to wake up, what time I want to go to bed, what books am I reading All that is my business.
Sunny Lamba:On the other hand, other people's business is the thoughts and feelings and actions and decisions and behaviors. That is not in my control. That is their business. Someone else's thoughts, feelings, actions, decisions, behaviors, how they're living their life, what clothes are they wearing, what are they eating? Are they exercising or not? How are they behaving? Who are they dating, what job they're doing, what business they're doing that is not my business, that is other people's business.
Sunny Lamba:And finally, there is the third kind of business, which is God's business or universe's business. This includes things that are not in my control or in anyone's control. So, for example, there is a pandemic, or it is raining, it is snowing, the economy is not doing well, there is a robbery in our neighborhood. Anything like that is not my business, or even other people's business. I mean, if there is a robbery in someone's house, it might be their business, but it's not something that was in their control still their business but it's not something that was in their control. Still, it happened. So it's a reality of life. It's just a situation that you are in. So that is beyond your control and that is God's business. It is the natural order of life. It includes events like death or sickness, or a pandemic, or a flood, or a weather situation, or just even something as simple as I am overweight.
Sunny Lamba:Now, you would think that I am overweight, that should be my business. No, but that is the reality. It is what it is. It is a fact. It is not my business. Yes, what I do to change that, what I eat, how much exercise I can do, is my business, but the reality is that I am overweight and if I just sit here and say, oh no, I'm overweight. Oh no, I'm overweight. Oh no, I'm overweight. I'm just increasing my stress level. It's not in my control, it was in my control. The old actions and behaviors I did are what has caused me to be overweight today. But that is not in my control at the moment. Yes, from here I can take that and do different actions, different behaviors, change my habit patterns and change that. But if I just sit and ruminate about my body size and shape or weight, that is not in my control. It's already happened.
Sunny Lamba:So you see how that also becomes kind of the reality, which is, you know, god slash nature's business, natural order of life. You see, the only time we suffer is when we want to argue with the reality, when we want to argue with what just is and it's not our business. My neighbors should take better care of their lawn. My neighbor's dog should not bark this much. People should be nicer. Children should be well behaved. My husband should agree with me I should be thinner. There should be not so much crime in the city. All these things are not in your control. So if you just sit here and say this should be, that should be, all these shoulds are only adding to the stress of your life. You are shoulding all over yourself and I love that You're shoulding.
Sunny Lamba:If you stop using this one word should in your life and I'm digressing from the topic, but it's kind of ties in your life will become so much easier. I should exercise, I should eat healthy. When you say should, what is your brain hearing? Your brain is hearing that this is a rule I have to follow. This is set by someone else and it is a necessity. It feels heavy. It feels like you're in a prison. You should do this.
Sunny Lamba:What if you change that should and use more empowering language? What if you say I get to exercise? Now you're in a place of gratitude because you are lucky enough to have an able body that you can exercise. And you get to exercise because there are so many people in the world who are bedridden and maybe cannot exercise. So what if you say I get to exercise, I get to eat healthy? When you say I get to eat healthy, it means that you're fortunate enough to be able to afford healthy food. I get to pack lunches for my kid. I'm so lucky, so grateful that I have it, because there are some who are struggling to conceive, to become a mother. So if you change that should to, I get to. You come from a place of gratitude and it becomes easier to do the thing. You can also say I could, I could exercise. Now it feels like you have a choice. It's not a rule, it's not like you have to do it. I could exercise, it's your choice. You can make whatever choice you want to. Or you can say I would love to exercise. You see how just changing your language changes the whole mindset around that thing, coming back to whenever you are saying something should happen in a certain way, you are out of your business.
Sunny Lamba:Let me give you an example and there's going to be tons of examples in this episode, but this is a very simple, easy one. My tolerance for cold is way lower than my husband's tolerance for cold weather. We've been married 17 years and for the first 14 years I nagged him to wear a jacket or a sweater when it gets a little chilly, of course. When it gets to minus 20, he wears it, but when it's only like plus 10, I would say it's cold, wear a jacket, it's cold, wear a jacket. What am I doing? I am in his business. He is an adult and he can make his own decision. And I know it came from a place of love and care, because women are programmed to take care of others. We have that serving mentality.
Sunny Lamba:So when we nag someone it's coming from a place of love. But what ended up happening? Sometimes my husband would get irritated and he would say I'm okay, I'm not cold, I know how I feel, I know my body. I was in his business when I found out this question whose business are you in? I stopped doing that. And then one day he came to me and he said business are you in? I stopped doing that. And then one day he came to me and he said you don't ever anymore say that I should wear a jacket. And then I told him this aha moment that I had. I shared it with him and he said huh, okay, I just thought you don't love me anymore. So you see that he was seeing my love by me saying those things. But it would still irritate him sometimes because I was nagging him all. So that's just one small example.
Sunny Lamba:Let me give you another example. My best friend should not be with that guy. He's not right for her. Again, you're coming from a place of love. You being outside of that relationship. Maybe you can see the big picture and maybe you know that it is the wrong relationship. But it is not your business. They will come to that realization when they have learned the lesson that they have to learn. Or maybe you, as an outsider, don't know what's happening in there, maybe you don't know the whole story. So by you just thinking about what they should do with their life, you are being in their business.
Sunny Lamba:Hello, my friend, if you're enjoying the insights in this podcast, you will love what I have in store for you inside the you Unlocked community. You Unlocked is an exclusive community and learning hub where you'll receive personalized guidance to apply these transformative concepts directly to your life. Plus, you will gain access to a treasure trove of advanced coaching tools and concepts that I simply can't cover in a podcast episode. It is the ultimate destination to connect, receive coaching and dive deep into all things self-love and mindset alongside like-minded women just like you. Trust me, it's a game changer. Come join us at wwwflauthenticmecom. Slash youunlocked and let's unlock your full potential together. And now back to the podcast. Here's another example.
Sunny Lamba:When we see what's happening in the world around us, there's so many things. There's constantly in my friends chat group. People share these videos and news reports that, oh, there's a robbery happened or a child was abducted and all these things. And I'm not saying that. Don't be aware, be aware of the danger around you. But if you just sit there and make a new belief that, oh my god, the world is a bad place out there and the big bad wolf is out there to get me, then you are going to create stress in your life. So what you could do is stay in your business, make sure that you have your house is secure, you have the alarm systems or whatever camera or whatever you need to put, and make sure you have that, but then let it go. It's not your business. You leave it on the universe. You have a belief that I am safe and everything always works out perfectly for me, and that's it. That's the energy you live in. Whenever I see those forwards not just in my friends chat group I'm in many WhatsApp groups of South Asian women groups or even women empowerment groups or entrepreneurial women groups, and whenever I see those forwards, I don't even click on them, I don't read them, because I do not want that energy around me. I don't want my belief system to be shaken. My belief is very strong that I am safe and that's it.
Sunny Lamba:When you are mentally in your business, you are present. You're present in your own, but when you are mentally in someone else's business deciding how they should live their life, you don't need to be in that business. That's their business. I have come to realize that every time I'm feeling hurt or sad or stressed over, anxious or overthinking, I am in someone else's business. To think that I know what's best for anyone else is to be out of my business, even if it's in the name of love, I think it's arrogance and the result is tension. Even if it's in the name of love, I think it's arrogance and the result is tension, anxiety, fear, stress. So get out of other people's business.
Sunny Lamba:Who your friend loves is their business. Who you choose to love is your business. Even in a relationship, if you love your partner but they don't love you back, who you love is your business. Who they love is their business. But if you say that, no, they should love me, they should love me. You are in your business. Who they love is their business. But if you say that, no, they should love me, they should love me. You are in their business.
Sunny Lamba:Maybe what you do need to do is step back and say, okay, I love this person. Why Make a list of things why you love them and that love is not being reciprocated. So what's the best for me, instead of trying to force them into this relationship and saying that, no, they should love me. Why is this person not loving me? You are in their business. I know it's painful. I know you want your love to be reciprocated, especially if it's a long-term relationship and now that person doesn't love you anymore. Yes, it's painful Process. Your emotions Cry, scream. Go talk to a friend, get the help that you need to get get a coach, but get out of their business. You cannot force them to love you when you are mentally there in their mind in their business, telling them to love you back. You're forcing this and a relationship coming from force never works.
Sunny Lamba:Here's another one. One of my clients was worried that her best friend, who she introduced to another friend of hers, has now become more friendly with that other friend and she was feeling insecure that she is going to be kicked out of the circle. And now they are better friends. They talk to each other because they live closer, they talk to each other all the time and they don't love me anymore, or maybe she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. Again, whose business are you in? You are a good friend and you are doing all that a good friend should do, and if that is not being reciprocated, you cannot sit there and worry about that. Instead, you should ask yourself what do I need at this time? Is this relationship fulfilling me?
Sunny Lamba:And what happens when you are in someone else's business is you are assuming things. Yes, they live close by those two friends and maybe they do talk to each other more often, or they come across each other when they're out walking in the neighborhood and they tend to talk, but they still probably love you more and want to spend time with you. And here you are assuming the worst case scenario, which is normal. Our brain tends to go to the worst case scenario because it doesn't want us to be hurt, so it creates this whole assumption of the worst case scenario so that you are prepared. Now you are out there worrying about it. And then what happens? Because you're worrying about it and you're overthinking about it, when you meet this friend now, you're not showing up as your authentic self, you are quieter, you are not sharing everything with them anymore, you're not laughing as much and that energy then manifests itself into your relationship and slowly that relationship dies. Maybe that friend never wanted to end this relationship but unfortunately, because you were overthinking, that's what ended up happening.
Sunny Lamba:And let's talk about God's business or universe, whatever you want to call. When you try to control things that are out of your control, you have to ask yourself why do I have this need to control? And understand that surrender and acceptance and just trusting that life is always happening for you and not to you will always work better for you. Just trust. Trust that everything always works out for me, that whatever I am wanting, it will come. I need to have faith on it and I need to be open to receiving, because when we fight too hard, we are actually not open to receive. But when we just let go and say I have faith and I know what I want is coming, it is coming to me. The higher power, or the universe, always knew what you wanted and had a better plan for you, if only you believe. So there is that power of letting go and just believing and having that faith, because when you have faith, you are hurting yourself less.
Sunny Lamba:And now let's talk about kids, because I know so many of my mom listeners are thinking okay, what do I do when I need to discipline my kids or tell them to study or do a chore at home With kids? Of course. Number one you have to think about the age. If they're very, very little kids, of course you have to be in their business. You have to make sure they're warm and cozy and they're being taken care of. But at a certain age and only you know what's the right age for your kid you have to start teaching them responsibility and consequences.
Sunny Lamba:With my son, I had the same battle that I had with my husband. He does not feel cold, he does not want to wear jackets. So up to the age of five or six, I think, I of course made sure he was always warm and cozy. But once he started rebelling, I had a conversation with him. He was very little. I said well, if you do not wear a jacket, you might get cold and you will get sick. Do you want to get sick? And he understood and he wore his jacket for another two years, I think, and then at eight, he really said I'm feeling hot and that's when I have stopped. Now he's 12 years old. I do not tell him how to dress up. That's not a battle I choose to fight, unless, of course, we are going to a formal gathering. Then there are certain rules and he is aware of those rules. But I don't get into his business.
Sunny Lamba:He puts his own alarm. Two years ago we started, bought him an alarm clock, made a big deal with it, and he's so responsible. I have never gone to wake my son up. He sets up his own alarm, wakes up showers by himself. Our mornings are so easy. I never have to say a word. He's ready on time. He has another alarm for the time that he has to leave home for the bus, and when that alarm goes he picks up his bag, hugs me, kisses me bye. My business is to make sure that his lunch is packed and I do that. But I don't get into his business.
Sunny Lamba:Obviously we had that conversation where I told him if he's late for school, what are the consequences? One time he was late this was in the beginning and there were consequences. He had to walk, not all the way to school, because that's a very long walk, but I made him walk halfway while I went in my car slowly following him. It was cold, but that was the consequence. We both decided on it and now he knows. So, of course, you know with your kids. Teach them their responsibilities. Teach them what happens when they're not responsible. If they don't study what are the consequences and then stop nagging. The whole idea of not being in someone's business is not taking stress for yourself. So that's all I wanted to share today in this episode.
Sunny Lamba:Tell me in the comments if this helps, helped you. If you feel that you have been in other people's business and it's causing a lot of stress to you, especially big things where you are telling your friends or or you feel responsible for someone else's life and you're telling them how to live their life and you feel that if I don't help them, this is going to really ruin their life, take a step back and ask yourself whose business am I in? Thank you so much for listening. If you found this of value, please share it with your friends. Send me a private message on Instagram at Sunny, underscore Lamba, and give me your comments. Is there any topic you would like to hear? Let me know. And on that note, this is Sunny signing off. Until next time, keep loving yourselves and stay Flawthentic. At sunny underscore lamba, you can also sign up for our newsletter so that you can get weekly tips and tools. Until next time, keep loving yourself and stay flawthentic.