Flawthentic ME
Flawthentic ME
063: Breaking the Guilt Cycle - Embracing Rest
Do you feel overwhelmed by constantly chasing the high standards and perfection that you've been conditioned to achieve?
In this first episode after a long break, I recount my personal journey of stepping away from my podcast for three and a half months to prioritize my mental well-being. Through reflections and journaling, I realized the pivotal importance of resetting to ensure my business stays enjoyable and sustainable. This episode is a heartfelt reminder that taking breaks is not a sign of weakness but a necessary step for nurturing our mental health.
We'll also shed light on the multifaceted roles women often juggle and the guilt tied to taking breaks. We'll discuss how societal pressures and learned behaviours fuel this guilt, underlining the need for rest and self-care. By recognizing life and business as cyclical—times for creation, nurturing, and enjoyment—we can better embrace proactive rest, distinguishing it from laziness. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation about seeking support, receiving love, and understanding that rest is an indispensable part of thriving.
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Who made this rule that you have to always always be working, constantly putting in the hard work. There's nothing wrong in taking a break and resting. That's what we're going to talk about today. Let's dive in. This is Flauthentic Me, a self-love podcast for South Asian women. A place where we celebrate self-love even when we feel imperfect or flawed. A safe space where you can be raw, real and authentic. And here's your host, self-love and mindset coach, sunny Lamba. Welcome back, welcome back to the first episode after a very, very long summer break. This is Flawthentic Me, and I'm your host, sunny Lamba.
Speaker 1:In this episode, I want to talk about why I took a break from my podcasting. What role did perfectionism, shame, guilt and anxiety play in recording my podcast prior to this break? And, finally, I want to leave you with this message that it's okay to take a break and why taking a break is so, so, so necessary. So let's get started. I took a really long summer break. I think the last episode came out at the end of May, so this is three and a half months later, and the reason I took this break is that I was feeling demotivated in recording my podcast. If you go back and look at the old episodes. I think I was taking a break, like every month. I would post for a week and then not post for two weeks. So there was two episodes a month, or maybe sometimes even one episode a month, and every time I had to record I was procrastinating. I would do everything else but not record the podcast episode. I would put it on my to-do list every other day and then at the end of the day it wouldn't be checked off. I would plan and plan and plan, but I would not sit down and hit record and my podcast, which I truly love from my heart, became a place of shame and guilt. It became this heavy space where I was forcing myself and even when I was not recording, it was constantly at the back of my mind I need to record an episode. I already planned it, this is what I'm going to talk about, but I would not record. So I had to sit down and journal about it. Do some deep dive that what is going on. And what was going on was that my podcast became a place where my perfectionism took over.
Speaker 1:There are many parts of my business which come naturally, especially the coaching calls. I truly, truly love coaching clients. That is my passion. That is the purpose of this podcast, that is the purpose of me posting on social media. That is the purpose of my life on social media. That is the purpose of my life. And I love my coaching calls.
Speaker 1:When I'm on a coaching call with my client, I'm truly present in the moment. There is no perfectionism coming in, there is no anxiety coming in. I'm truly connected with my client. I am listening to them and I am helping them from the bottom of my heart. And sometimes I'm so connected that the advice or the questions that I ask them feel like they're coming from the universe, feel like that I'm connected to some spiritual power and it is directing me. But then there are some parts of my business where my perfectionism kicks in. Although I love speaking, put me on a stage and I would be most present in my body and my best version shows up. But that is when I'm on the stage. Similarly, when I'm doing an Instagram live, my perfectionism doesn't kick in because I'm live in front of the audience and I'm speaking from my heart and I just don't have time to overthink.
Speaker 1:But when it comes to my podcast, because I have to record it on my own time, I have the ability to hit pause and change things. It brings up that whole childhood conditioning of I have to be perfect and people are judging me being a South Asian, I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this that our culture puts on this face in front of others, that we are perfect, that we have to perform for others. The common thing is what will people say? And you start hearing from such a young age that you internalize this that all the time everyone else is judging you. So, from a very young age, there is this pressure to be perfect for others and you internalize it and you start demanding yourselves to be perfect Because we were raised in a way where our mistakes were frowned upon. We got in trouble if we messed up. And this becomes a maladaptive behavior, increasing our anxiety and decreasing our confidence. We become hypercritical of ourselves and we evaluate ourselves from others' lens. That what are others thinking? Are they judging me? And this performance-based behavior is what was happening with my podcast.
Speaker 1:Every time I had to record a podcast, I would spend so much time writing down the bullet points and then I would start writing even sentences in front of them because I didn't want to make a mistake, because I felt, oh my gosh, everyone who's listening to me is probably judging me, even though I know better, because every time I put a podcast episode out, I got so many comments that this helped me. I got comments from random people. In fact, I met this woman through the group, through one of the networking groups, and I went out for coffee with her later and she said your latest episode really helped me and why haven't you posted anything in last three weeks? And I knew this. I know that once I am on this microphone recording I'll be okay, but it's the process. Before turning on the microphone and before hitting record, I just procrastinated and procrastinated and procrastinated and my perfectionism turned into anxiety, which then my anxiety kicked in my freeze response. So I would just freeze and I would not record. So that's the reason I decided I need to take a break.
Speaker 1:When I did the deep dive, I knew that podcast is not feeling easy right now and the one thing that I have learned from my business coaches my business should feel easy to me. I have worked really hard on this limiting belief that business is hard Because when I first decided to start my business, everyone told me why are you quitting your job. It's so safe and secure. You get your paycheck, you go nine to five. Why would you start a business? And I took on that belief from others and I started believing that business is hard, and I've worked really hard to let go of that belief. So when my podcast started feeling heavy and hard, I decided no, this is not feeling easy right now and I need to let it go.
Speaker 1:So, as you're listening to this, I want you to ask yourself where in your life do you feel this pressure to perform? Where do you feel that you have to be perfect, that you have to perform to a certain standard, not for yourself, but for others, because there's a difference between wanting to excel and performing for others, wanting to be perfect. So where are you feeling that pressure? Second question is that what is that story that you have about business being hard, or growth being hard, or your job being hard, or earning money is hard, and what is the story that you have about resting and success, that you have to really work hard to be successful? These are the stories that I have let go off and that's the reason I stopped recording my podcast, because I know my business will still grow even if I don't record my podcast.
Speaker 1:The reason I record the podcast, the reason I'm here right now, is because I love sharing the value. Reason I'm here right now is because I love sharing the value I love sharing and giving to all of you. And my podcast is a free resource, a platform where I can help you and help everyone who's maybe not ready to invest in themselves yet and maybe they're not ready to be coached yet. But this is a way where they can learn and coach themselves. So I love doing it. But I had to make that call for myself and for my own mental health to take a break. And talking about taking a break, growing up most of us saw our parents working really, really hard and we took on this belief that making money is hard and I cannot rest.
Speaker 1:My dad was a business owner. He would leave home at six in the morning, come back home at 8 pm and our assumption was that he works really, really hard, which later on I know that he didn't really work from 6 am to 8 pm. He would finish his work and then go have drinks with his friends. But the belief that I had was making money is hard because we did struggle financially. My dad's business was never enough to pay for everything, the reason being that he did spend a lot of money on alcohol and his friends. But as a child, the belief I took was that making money is hard.
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Speaker 1:And then to add, in the layer of being a woman, most of us women saw our mothers, our grandmothers, our aunts work really hard. If your mother had a job, she would work full time, come back home, cook clean, take care of the family, take care of the kids, take care of the elderly, take care of her husband. And if she didn't, let's say she was at home. She was still always working. There was just, there's just a lot to be done inside that inside a household and you know this, especially here in Canada, we know this we don't have maids. My mom was a homemaker but in the last few years of her life, about four years before she passed, she started a business and she would work in her business. She would also take care of the household, but I remember that she did take an afternoon nap, especially during summer months. Somehow I didn't learn that from her. I didn't learn from her that it's okay to rest. And although I have now learned to rest and I have let go of that belief that it's really hard to make money and I'm adopting easy ways of running my business and I'm adopting this new belief that my business is easy, still whenever I rested there was this guilt in the back of my mind I would take rest, I would take a nap, I would take a break from my business, but even when I'm taking that break, I didn't really relax because there was this guilt I should be working in my business. So I want you to know that it's okay to rest.
Speaker 1:Think of your business or your life as a plant, as a crop, and there are different seasons the season of creation, season of growth and watering, season of harvesting and then season of enjoying the fruits of your labor. You cannot always be in the season of creation, so I cannot always be recording podcasts and creating posts and posting on social media and creating programs for my business. That's just one aspect. Once I have created something, then I have to water it, nurture it, and this also comes to not just my business but also myself. I am creating things, but then I have to take a break and water myself, nurture myself, and that is where self growth comes in in. Or that is where reading, taking new programs, learning and even resting comes in. And as I water the more I water, the more I grow, and as I grow, my business grows. And then there is the season where I'm harvesting. So this is when I bring that crop back. So that is when you know I have created something and I'm promoting it and people are telling me wow, that was a great podcast episode. Or hey, you know I have created something and I'm promoting it and people are telling me, wow, that was a great podcast episode. Or hey, you know, that helped me. Or I'm coaching clients and they are saying, oh, thank you so much. That is where I harvest it.
Speaker 1:But then there is also enjoying the fruits of my labor, and that is when you know, you take those little breaks, you take a nap, you go on a vacation, you take the summer off, and I know that in your business, yes, you have to be present. Even when I took the summer off from podcasting, I still had my clients. But at least I took some aspect of my business and put a pause on that. And you have to let go of this belief that you have to constantly be producing in order to grow. And if you're not a business owner, if you have a 9 to 5 job or if you're a homemaker, this still applies to you. If you're constantly available for everyone else and serving others, or in your job, you're constantly working from 9 to 5, work, work, work. You come home, you're taking care of everyone else. Job you're constantly working from nine to five. Work, work, work. You come home, you're taking care of everyone else.
Speaker 1:You have to realize that there has to be a time when you take a pause and enjoy the fruits of your labor, which means that you enjoy the love from others. You have been serving them, but let them give it back to you. A lot of us women have a hard time receiving love. It's okay to sit on the couch and let your kids pamper you, let your husband serve you food some days, and it's okay to ask for it. We expect that they will know just by themselves. But why don't we ask? I tell my husband very clearly hey, you know what? I am super tired, I'm not getting off the couch. You can either order food or, if you want to cook, my husband is a really good chef, but sometimes even he doesn't feel like we can order or something, and literally I don't even get off the couch and I get served on the couch and I'm grateful for that and I realize my privilege. But sometimes you do have that privilege and you don't realize it. You have to ask.
Speaker 1:So, going back to the questions that you can ask yourself, we talked about a couple of them, but here's more what is the difference between rest or laziness? So ask yourself that Are you really resting or are you being lazy? And sometimes I hate the word lazy, actually, because sometimes you think you're lazy but you are in your freeze response because there's anxiety, because you have been busy, busy, busy or you're doing something big. In my case, I had to record my podcast and I was procrastinating and my anxiety had me frozen, so I would do everything else or waste time scrolling on social media, but I would not record my podcast. Now, that is not laziness, that is just being in a freeze response. So ask yourself are you really resting?
Speaker 1:And real rest means not just sitting and being on your phone. Real rest means the proactive rest, not the passive rest. The active rest is where you go for a walk, you maybe exercise, you take a nap or you read a book or you put on some music and dance, you listen to music, you go for a swim, you spend time out in nature, you meditate. This is active resting, where you're actually nurturing your mind and you're really taking a break. Scrolling on social media is not resting. I was going to say watching TV is not resting, but sometimes watching something fun or something that you don't have to overthink and you're just sitting there and watching, is okay. That's also a form of rest.
Speaker 1:So ask yourself what is the difference between rest and laziness and what is it that you are experiencing at this time? And then ask yourself how do you fuel your body, how do you fuel your soul, how do you recharge your mind. What works for you? For some people, reading might work, but for some other people, walking out in the nature might work, for someone, a nap might work and for someone, something active like a working out could be a really good way of recharging your body, mind and soul. So what is the one thing that is your way of recharging? What are your energy drainers and what are your energy givers? What gives you energy? Ask yourself that question and remember you're not in a race with anyone. You're only in a race with yourself. In fact, to take it one step deeper, you're in no race at all. Everything happens in its own divine time and you are Make your work, your business, your job, your family, your home a place where you're able to step back and give time to yourself, and that is what I did.
Speaker 1:During this summer. I spent a week in BC for my sister's surprise 50th birthday. Of course, before that, I spent a lot of time planning that whole thing with my niece and my other sister and my brother. It was so much fun. I also had family and friends visiting for three weeks and, yes, at times it got tiring, but I really enjoyed the late night chats with my friend who was here. I loved going out with my brother and playing board games with him. My aunt and my uncle from India was visiting and I loved connecting with my uncle. I saw him after many years. I think I saw him in 2019 when I was in India, so that was amazing. And then we went on a family trip to Iceland. I also spent a lot of time with my son playing board games and going for walks going for walks by the lake, hiking and I really feel recharged.
Speaker 1:But I also spent a lot of time reading and journaling about my perfectionism and why it's only showing up in my podcast, which now I know the answer and I already told you guys and I think I'm at a place where I am not going to put that pressure on myself that there has to be an episode every week. I'm going to give grace to myself, I'm going to be compassionate towards myself and also I'm not going to plan the episodes in way advance. Instead, if I have an insight, if I have a thought, I'm just going to right away, sit and record it. Yes, it will take a lot of work on me because I know, even though I'm sitting here and saying this, when a thought comes and I'm like, oh, let me record. My perfectionism is going to say hold on, maybe you need to research more on it, maybe you need to write your bullet points, but it's a work in progress.
Speaker 1:I'm glad that I'm back with this podcast. I really enjoyed recording it so far. I already have two other episodes that I've already recorded and I'm planning to do a series. I'm planning to do a series on the most frequently asked coaching questions that my client bring to me and I'm going to do one episode on each one of them. So if you have something that you would like me to coach you on, leave me a message on Instagram. If you can leave a voice clip, that would be perfect. That would be ideal, because then I can just take that voice clip and put it into the podcast and then answer your question. If you have no idea what to ask me or what I can help you with, go back and look at the previous episodes of this podcast and it will give you an idea on what my area of expertise is. But, in short, I help you step into your power.
Speaker 1:I help with all the cool things that were mentioned in this podcast, like people pleasing, procrastination, perfectionism, anxiety, childhood trauma, childhood conditioning, emotional regulation and how your emotions are keeping you stuck in life. I also help with your belief systems the beliefs that you have adopted from others, and they are limiting you in life. They are stopping you from moving forward. I also love science and psychology and how the mind works, so I can help you in understanding why you are behaving the way you're behaving, why you are stuck in inaction, why you're not consistent with your habits, why you're not working out, why you are not able to meditate or read or do the things that will help you grow, how your brain is working at the subconscious level, and then I help you change that or switch that around. So this is just a few things that I help you with. There's lots more. I'm also a meditation and breath work coach, so I can help you with nervous system regulation. So I can help you with nervous system regulation.
Speaker 1:I'm going to leave you with this thought what would someone who loves herself do? So if you truly loved yourself, would you take a rest? What would you tell your best friend or your child to do? So if you're feeling burnt out, if you're feeling that something is causing you anxiety and you're procrastinating about it. How would you help a friend? What would you tell them? And if you truly loved yourself let's say you are your best friend what would you tell her? Would you tell her to take a break? And it's okay to take a break.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for listening. I know I haven't been here, so if you're back with me then I am so, so grateful for you. I am grateful for the time that you take out of your busy day for this podcast, and I try my best to bring so much value for you, and that's why sometimes I get into that perfectionist mode. If this episode spoke to you, please send me a message on Instagram at Sunny underscore Lamba. If something stood out to you, share it, share it with a friend or share it in your stories and tag me on Instagram or Facebook. I'm really, really looking forward to many more episodes that I have already planned. So thank you so much. And, on that note, this is Sunny signing off. Until next time, keep loving yourselves and stay Flauthentic. Sunny underscore Lamba. You can also sign up for our newsletter so that you can get weekly tips and tools. Until next time, keep loving yourself and stay Flauthentic.