Flawthentic ME
Flawthentic ME
066: Self Criticism Does not Motivate - Try Self-Compassion!
Ever found yourself constantly criticizing yourself in order to motivate yourself to get things done? You're not alone.
I, Sunny Lamba, know this struggle all too well, especially as a South Asian woman conditioned by cultural expectations. Join me on "Flawthentic Me" as we unravel how these patterns of self-criticism sap our motivation, making us believe we're inherently flawed or lazy. Through my own experiences, we explore how easily we can slip into negative thinking but more importantly, how we can break free by understanding our brain's potential to rewire these patterns.
In this episode, we’ll explore:
- How swapping self-loathing with neutral affirmations like "I am learning to be consistent" transforms our mindset and fuels long-term motivation.
- The impact of societal conditioning and ancestral fears, and why these patterns no longer serve us today.
- How small victories build confidence and foster a positive self-identity.
- The importance of celebrating your accomplishments—no matter how small—and embracing your true, empowered self.
Get ready to step into a life that's authentically yours!
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Does your mind constantly keep looking for the negatives in you and constantly criticizes you. You're not alone. Most of my clients deal with self-criticism and we're going to dive deep into that in today's episode. This is Flauthentic Me a self-love podcast for South Asian women. A place where we celebrate self-love even when we feel imperfect or flawed. A safe space where you can be raw, real and authentic. And here's your host, self-love and mindset coach, sunny Lamba.
Speaker 1:Hello, my friends, welcome back to another episode of Flawthentic Me. I'm your host, sunny Lamba. If you've found me for the first time, I am a self-love and mindset coach who believes that we women have been culturally conditioned by this society and the world at large to constantly doubt ourselves, and through this podcast and my coaching, I help you overcome that conditioning so that you can step into your power. In today's episode, I want to talk about how self-criticism does not lead to motivation. But before I get started, I want to give some context. If you follow me on social media, you probably already know this that for the month of June, I was offering free coaching calls to women. Idea was for me to sharpen my coaching skills, since I've got a couple of new certifications recently, and also just for me to sharpen my coaching skills, since I've got a couple of new certifications recently, and also just for women to understand how powerful coaching can be and for them to understand that they don't have to continue living in this place where they're not happy, where they don't feel satisfied, where there's this constant self-criticism going on, and to show them that there is a better way. Most of us think that I am inherently built this way and there's no better way. We think that the other person is so confident and so consistent and it's the way they are built, but for me, I am this lazy person and I can never achieve anything. So I wanted to show this to as many women as I could that there's nothing inherently wrong with you. You just need to understand how human brain works and gain the tools and knowledge to then reprogram your brain. Now let's dig into today's topic. Self-criticism does not lead to motivation.
Speaker 1:Let me give you a very quick story. A couple of weeks back, I was driving back after meeting a friend for lunch and I had to go pick up my son, and my husband was also driving back from work at the same time and we were on the phone talking at the same time and we were on the phone talking as we were talking, I said oh, I missed my turn. I got so busy talking to him and instead of taking the highway east, I took the west, which if you drive in Toronto or in any big city you know is a big blunder because that literally adds like another 15 minutes to your drive. So I said well, it is what it is. I asked my husband would you make it on time to pick up the kiddo? And he said yes, I think I'll make it on time, as I'm chatting with him on bluetooth FYI, as I'm chatting with him now, I'm going the wrong direction on the highway and I had to take the highway back. I took the exit now, when you take the exit, most of the highway and I had to take the highway back. I took the exit. Now, when you take the exit, most of the time you have to take left and then go back onto the ramp.
Speaker 1:But this one was different. It was a U-turn and I didn't realize there's a U-turn to go back on the highway. So I took my usual left and now I'm added another 10 minutes. Let's not even go about me and wrong turns, because if you know me and if you're my family member, you know this very well or a close friend. Me and driving we don't go well together. I take so many wrong turns. I'm a really, really safe driver, a very confident driver, but if I'm in a new place or if I have to follow directions or if there's tons of traffic, I'm a lost case.
Speaker 1:Anyways, I finally made the right turn and I was back on the highway I was supposed to be after like three wrong turns and my husband said Wow, you can celebrate your win now. Now he's an avid listener of my podcast and he knows that I always talk about celebrating your wins. And I said to him that it's actually true, because if I sat here and criticized myself and said I am so stupid, how could I make three wrong turns? I would have got even more nervous and probably taken three more wrong turns. But if I just said, hey, you know what, it's okay, whatever happened, I'm going to get back on track. And then, once I get back on track, I say yay, yay me. Now my brain is like wow, she can accomplish things. You're giving evidence to your brain that you can accomplish big things, small things, even tiny things. Big things, small things, even tiny things.
Speaker 1:And that is the story that made me think of how we constantly criticize ourselves, thinking and hoping and wishing that it will motivate us to make some changes in our life or it will motivate us to take action. But it doesn't work that way. Now, if you want to start exercising and you constantly say I am lazy, I am not consistent, I can never be disciplined, I am fat, my body is not good, what do you think will happen? Well, we think that if I constantly say these kind of things which, again, I'm not saying you say it on purpose your brain is wired or programmed, or is in practice, of saying this. And when you constantly say this, what happens is now you're operating from the place of shame and guilt, and when you are coming from a place of shame and guilt, you're just going to avoid the whole thing.
Speaker 1:So many women that I coach are very aware of the fact that they criticize themselves. Some say that oh no, I am just very self-aware and I know that I am lazy. But when you say that and you are saying that I'm very self-aware that I am and you have a negative belief coming after that I am it usually is self-criticism disguised as self-awareness. And even when these clients of mine recognize that they are being self-critical, no matter how hard they try, they're just unable to say nice things about themselves, until they start working with me and I show them how self-criticism is actually harming them even more, and that's what I want to talk about more. But let's see. Why do we always criticize ourselves? Why are we always using this negative thought pattern, these negative emotions, to motivate ourselves? Why are we always saying oh, you are so lazy, you better get your butt in action. Or something like look at myself, I've gained so much weight, I look so bad, I better stop eating unhealthy. That's it. From tomorrow I'm going to eat healthy. I look so bad. Why do we always have to look at the negative?
Speaker 1:It is because from a very early childhood, we have been taught that punishment works. Our parents, our teachers, the society around us taught us that when they punish us, we are going to get better. How many times you got beaten up for something you did or you got punished for something wrong and I'm using air quotes that you have done and you didn't change? Yes, you definitely learned how to hide it from the parents or the elders around you. But did you really change? We have been conditioned to believe that negative reinforcement brings change, so we learned to beat ourselves up as a motivation. Now this works when we look at it from an evolutionary perspective.
Speaker 1:Our ancestors, who were exposed to the natural elements of the world or there was war for them, they had to use their fear and anxiety to drive themselves for immediate action because their survival was in danger. They could literally die. So they had to tune into that negative emotion of fear, of anxiety oh I better not eat that poisonous fruit or I will die or they've been through war or independence struggle or partition. They had to lean into their fear and their anxiety. They had to trust their negative emotions to survive. But that does not apply in today's world. Now, when we use that negative emotion, it does not help us to motivate us.
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Speaker 1:And now back to the podcast. Let me use exercising, eating healthy body image as an example. If you don't like the way you look, if you are disgusted when you look in the mirror and I'm going to be very honest, some of us do get that feeling of disgust, and I'm using that powerful, strong word because you know that you feel that, and I don't want to paint it in this beautiful red color. I want you to be honest because we might not admit to others, but there are days when we look in the mirror and we feel disgusted. Now, this self-loathing will never help you change and never motivate you to exercise. It will never motivate you to eat healthy. In fact, the only thing it will lead you to is unhealthy coping mechanisms. Now, what will happen is you are now coming from a place of shame, as I already said, and you're just going to avoid it completely. You don't want to think about it. You don't want to talk about it. You're going to start avoiding looking in the mirror? You're going to start avoiding taking your pictures, or, in every picture, you're looking for angles.
Speaker 1:This angle makes me look fat. How many of you have said that? I used to, long time ago. I used to. Now, every time I'm with my friends and we are taking pictures and this happens all the time they say oh, no, no, no, I don't want to be in the front, my arm is going to look big and I don't want to look that way. Or this is my better side, please, this is my better angle. I don't know what's my better angle. I just stand there and take a picture because I truly, truly love my body. Now and I'm not saying this sitting on this high ground, because I've been there I have been disgusted by the way my body looked. I've always been a very skinny person, but as you know if you've been listening to the podcast for a while that I have early menopause and once menopause hit, I started having all this extra weight or extra fat in the middle area. I actually did a podcast about that. It's called my relationship with my body from love to from shame to love. It's episode number 31 and highly recommend you to go listen to it.
Speaker 1:Coming back to that shame when you are ashamed of how your body looks. Now you're not going to make a change, but you're only going to look in the other direction. And it's also more likely that you will now indulge in emotional eating because all that emotions of shame and guilt that are coming up, you don't want to face them. Your brain says this feels very scary, this brings anxiety, even more negative emotions, so I don't want to think about it. Let's numb those emotions by either eating, indul, indulging in emotional eating, or by scrolling on social media and looking at other people's so-called perfect bodies, which, of course, they have made sure that their pictures show their better side. So now let's go to social media, look at all these perfectly curated boxes and feel even worse about us. Also, if you are criticizing your body, you're probably not going to go to the gym because you think everyone is judging me.
Speaker 1:Another example let's say you're not satisfied with your work or your business. If you are criticizing yourself and if you think I am not good enough, it will only lead you to be even more paralyzed with fear and you won't take any action in your business or at your job, you will not stand up, you will not volunteer for new projects, new opportunities. So you see how self-criticism is really not going to help you or not going to motivate you to make a positive change in your life. Going to motivate you to make a positive change in your life, I want you to think of a friend or a family member who has been complaining for years about something their job, their body, their relationship, their money situation and they have not made a change. And now I want you to be truly honest with yourself and look at yourself and think about some area of your life that you have been complaining about for many, many, many years and nothing has changed. If self-criticism has not helped you change, let's try self-compassion. Before I dig into self-compassion, I also want to say that when we're coming from a place of fear, shame, anxiety, that self-criticism, it only leads to even more negative emotions in the short term. So what we really need is long-term internal motivation, not external, not looking for other people's validation, but internal motivation.
Speaker 1:When you keep criticizing yourself, your brain now gets used to this as your new normal. So if you're constantly saying I'm lazy, I'm lazy, I'm not disciplined. I can never be disciplined. Your brain now learns that you're a lazy person. That is the new identity you have created for yourself. So it's really hard for your brain to change that, to take any action that is not in alignment with this image of I am lazy.
Speaker 1:Now imagine if you start using self-compassion. So instead of saying I am lazy, you say I am consistent. Or, if that doesn't feel right, maybe start with baby steps and you say I am learning to be consistent. Now your brain says, okay, well, she's not lazy because you have not said that in like two months. You have not used that word in two months. So you're building a new self image. Your brain is getting used to this new identity.
Speaker 1:Now, when you first time say this that I am consistent, it might not feel right, it might not align, because you have been lazy. The truth is you have been lazy and it's so important to be honest with ourselves and that's why I gave you that neutral thought. I am learning to be consistent Because if you suddenly go from step zero to step 10, I am lazy from there. If you go, I am this amazing, active person. Your brain is going to resist that. It's not going to believe that, and this is called the ladder of belief. Step by step you slowly go to that new thought. So start with a neutral thought. So instead of saying I hate my body, you want to say I love my body. But that doesn't feel right because it's 360 degrees change from what you were saying just a few hours ago. Let's start with a neutral thought of just a few hours ago. Let's start with a neutral thought of I am open to loving my body. You don't have to jump from self-criticism to being your biggest fan, but at least don't be your biggest critic. Start with small steps. Start with those neutral thoughts instead of negative thoughts and slowly you can build that belief to go to that positive thought.
Speaker 1:If you listened to the last episode, which was the three key elements in my coaching, the second key element was your thoughts are not real and your thoughts have no moral values. This second key element is a premise for you to now go from self-criticism to self-love. Why? Because once you understand that your thoughts have no moral values, then when you fall into that habitual pattern of I am lazy, I am a procrastinator, I hate my body, you can now right away remember that. Hold on my thoughts have no moral value. So these thoughts that are coming up does not mean anything, does not mean that I'm a bad person or a good person, because my thoughts are not real.
Speaker 1:So understanding that second element in coaching is so important for you to build this self-compassion. So I want you to, from today, make a promise to yourself that you will make an effort to at least be neutral with your thoughts. If you cannot go to complete self-love and that builds with practice then at least try the neutral thought. And the next time you look in the mirror and your brain right away, or your thought right away, says I hate my body, I want you to say I am open to loving my body, I'm grateful for this body because it has created human beings inside it. Or if you're not a mother, then you can say I'm grateful for my body because it allows me to be alive, it allows me to experience this world, it allows me to see beauty, it allows me to hear wonderful music, and that's the first step towards then making a positive change in your life. So here's my homework for you Pay attention to your thoughts, pay attention to what kind of self-critical tendencies you have, and every single time a negative thought comes up for any area of your life, I want you to replace it with a more neutral thought. You don't have to jump to the most self-compassionate thought, but you can start with being neutral. That's it for today.
Speaker 1:I would love to hear your feedback. If you have been struggling with making a positive change in your life, send me a message and tell me what kind of thoughts you have been having about making this change. Dm me on Instagram at Sunny, underscore Lamba. Also, I am planning to do a mini podcast series taking all my coaching clients and all the things that I help them with, all the challenges that they come to me with, and then take every single question from them and answer them on this podcast.
Speaker 1:If there is something that you have been struggling with and you feel from listening to this podcast that I might be able to help you with that, send me a message on Instagram, tell me what it is and I will answer that on this podcast. And on that note, this is Sunny signing off. Until next time, keep loving yourselves and stay Flauthentic. Thank you for listening to the Flauthentic Me podcast. Did you relate to something or had an aha moment? I would love to hear your thoughts. Connect with me on Instagram at Sunny underscore Lamba. You can also sign up for our newsletter so that you can get weekly tips and tools. Until next time, keep loving yourself and stay Flauthentic.