Flawthentic ME
Flawthentic ME
080: Don't be the comfy couch; be the accent piece - People Pleasing at its worst!
In this episode, Sunny Lamba, unpacks the cost of people-pleasing and how boundaries, self-worth, and authentic belonging rebuild trust with yourself and depth in your relationships. She shares client stories, cultural conditioning, and practical scripts to help you say no with love and mean it.
• people-pleasing as self-abandonment and resentment
• don't be the “comfortable couch”; be an accent piece
• boundaries as clarity not conflict
• external validation vs self-worth and identity
• belonging vs fitting in and cultural conditioning
• empath myths and protecting energy with meaning
• business boundaries, pricing, and scope
• scripts for saying no early and cleanly
• training others how to treat you through self-respect
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So, people who are used to seeing you sacrifice will never celebrate when you start choosing yourself. Because you sacrificing yourself for their needs works in their favor. This is Flauthentic Me, a self-love podcast for South Asian women. A place where we celebrate self-love even when we feel imperfect or flawed. A safe space where you can be raw, real, and authentic. And here's your host, self-love and mindset coach, Sunilamba. Well, hello my friends. Welcome back to another episode of Flawth and Take Me. Last week I had a new coaching client, and on our consult call, right off the bat, as soon as I asked her, How can I help you? What's going on? She started crying. And then she said that I can't take a stand for myself. And I can't talk. Every time I try to talk, I start crying. And I feel like that no one likes me. I don't have any friends, not even five people. As we started digging in, she said she's a people pleaser. She feels like she's not strong enough, or maybe she can't relate to people. Or actually, people don't relate to her. People think that either she's too much or she's too less. She's not enough. That's the feeling she thinks that others are looking at her and judging her on that. And they don't like seeing what they see. And what she meant by that is that they either think that her opinions are too much or she's too much for them or she's just too quiet, not enough. The reason we don't take a stand for ourselves is because we are people pleasers. And she admitted to that that yes, I am a people pleaser. As a people pleaser, you want everyone to like you. Because you want everyone to like you, you agree with everything. And I'm saying this because I was a people pleaser my entire life. I always just agreed to everything. I did not like confrontation, I would not have a different opinion than others. In fact, this reminds me just now, after school, I was back home in India. After school, I had joined a general discussion. Well, it was like an English-speaking, not really English speaking, but it was more of a public speaking kind of program. And one of the activities we did there all the time was have a group discussion, have a debate, but not like one person standing up, but kind of a group debate. And there would be a topic, and I was the most outspoken. I would speak up my mind, I would tell them this is my opinion, and almost to the verge of fighting with someone. But that happened because it was an assignment. And as an assignment, I had to prove myself to the teacher. And of course, uh throughout the school life, if I had to do an assignment, I had to be the top student. That was just how I am built, being the competitive nature, and it was built in. That's another childhood conditioning we can talk about some other day. But outside of that class or that course, I would not argue with people. I did not like confrontation. My heart just broke seeing her talking to me and just breaking down and crying because I remember if ever I had to have a confrontation with someone or I had to call someone out or I had to speak up my opinion in a strong way, my body would start shaking and I almost would be on the verge of crying, but I wouldn't cry. Which is another conditioning. I don't cry in front of other people. So we'll talk about that on another episode. Anyways, I always felt that those were very uncomfortable situations. Like I couldn't control my emotions, and it was very difficult. What happens is that when you're a people pleaser, you kind of become a mirror to people who just reflects their own image. They don't find it challenging, they don't find you interesting or entertaining. They just think, oh, this person is just there, and they don't kind of bring any any newness to this conversation, or they don't bring any, they don't add anything to this conversation. And that's why most people pleasers would have a lot of people around them, but no really close friends. Let me put it this way: people think that you are a piece of furniture in their house, which is good to look at, which is there to be used, which has a function, and this piece of furniture doesn't give them any pain, it's very comfortable, but it doesn't add any drama. You're not an accent piece, you're just that couch. That boring couch that's there gives them comfort, but doesn't have anything fun to add. And over time, you start building up this resentment within yourself, and you start getting resentful because you're betraying your own truth. You keep agreeing to others, you don't speak up your own mind. People forget that you're a human and you have your own opinions. And when finally that resentment builds up so much and you speak up, no one likes it. They don't like it. That comfortable couch that was just in the background now suddenly wants to be the center of attention, and no one likes this because they're used to just having you around as the yes person. You are that person who always says yes to everything, and I had the hardest time with that. I would say yes to everything, and then not being able to do it with my time commitments. But because I said yes, then I would not take care of myself, I would compromise on my family time or my self-care time or anything to make sure that I am fulfilling all those commitments that I said yes to because I couldn't say no. So if you have known me for a long time, you know that version of me. But if you are someone who came into my life recently, and I mean someone who's personally, physically knows me, not through Instagram, but in the in the real real world, not the real world, you know that I am the first person to set my boundaries to say no if I have to, and I say it so respectfully. And my friends all they respect me, they love me for that because I'm very clear with my boundaries. Inside USW, my program, we have a whole module on setting boundaries. How can you set boundaries with respect and love? And how can you set them from the beginning? And also, how do you even know what your boundaries are? Most of us don't even know what our boundaries are. And I help you realize your own boundaries and how to communicate them to the other person so that your relationships become solid and become grounded in truth, in love. So, what happens is that as a people pleaser, you think that everyone is ganging up against you because the moment you speak your opinion or you speak up your mind or you say anything, it backfires. They push you, they push you because they're used to you being the yes person. They have built this image of you and now they're just confused with this identity shift. I'll give you an example, and I'm sure all of you know someone in your life who's always arguing with others or having healthy debates. They would share their opinion, they would have a debate, a heated debate. But people still love them. They still have people in their life who love them. My husband is one of them. He would have heated debates with his friends or even our family members, political debates, or just difference of opinion, and he would get all passionate at that time. But everyone still loves him. Why? Because he's not a boring mirror. He's someone who brings interest in their conversations, who challenges them, and people love being challenged. And then here you are, who are who is so nice to everyone, who agrees with everyone, who's always pleasing them, who's going out of their way, venting over backwards to help them, to be there for them. But the moment you say something that they don't agree with, they don't like you anymore. They will say it, but if you push back, then they are going to be like, no, that's it, we're done. I have another client like that who always says to me that I do things for others. I'm always there for everyone, but they are not there when I need them. I don't have a lot of friends. Same thing. You never ever felt that you are worthy enough to be loved even when you have a difference of opinion. So you bend over backwards for others to get that love. You think that you are only worthy to be loved when you agree with everyone. That love is conditional. That's what you believe in. And I have to earn others' love by being nice. I'm not saying that you have to be a rude or mean person. All I am saying is that you have to be a good friend, but also be able to be so comfortable in that relationship that you can say that no, this is something that does not make sense to me, and I'm not going to agree with that. In my program, Unleash Your Self-Worth, I help women peel those layers. When and where in your past, in your childhood, did you start believing that love is conditional? When did you start believing that I have to be available for others in order to be loved? When did you start believing that love only happens when I do things for others? And we peel those layers so that you can be the most worthy version of you. There is an Instagram trend that I don't know if it's a trend, but I've seen a few reels where it says I was a 10 out of 10 daughter, but when I started looking after myself, I became a 9 out of 10. When I started speaking up my mind, I became 8 out of 10. When I started prioritizing my needs, I became 7 out of 10. And this is what's happening with you as a people pleaser. You are a 10 out of 10 friend or family member or daughter or sister or wife when you're agreeing with everything, when you're always there for them, when you don't set your boundaries. But the moment you start setting your boundaries, the moment you start prioritizing yourself, the moment you start speaking up your mind, now suddenly you're not that 10 out of 10 friend. Now you might think that, okay, so am I never going to have good friends if I set my boundaries? No, that's not true. When you set your boundaries from the beginning of a relationship, you're always going to be a 10 out of 10 friend. Because they already know what to expect. They know that you stand up for yourself. So they love that version of you. But if you have never done that, then they don't know when you suddenly switch. In her book Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown says that setting boundaries seems hard, and people think that if I set boundaries, I won't have friends. But the truth is that when you set boundaries, you have better friendships because people know exactly what to expect. They don't have to do any guesswork about what you like or what you don't like. And people love it when you communicate your boundaries. Hello my friend. If you're enjoying the insights in this podcast, you will love what I have in store for you inside the You Unlocked community. You Unlocked is an exclusive community and learning hub where you'll receive personalized guidance to apply these transformative concepts directly to your life. Plus, you will gain access to a treasure trove of advanced coaching tools and concepts that I simply can't cover in a podcast episode. It is the ultimate destination to connect, receive coaching, and dive deep into all things self-love and mindset alongside like-minded women just like you. Trust me, it's a game changer. Come join us at www.flauthenticme.com slash you unlocked. And let's unlock your full potential together. And now back to the podcast. So this whole conversation is about a few things. Number one is about setting boundaries. Number two is about feeling worthy to be loved and not trying to change yourself to belong. Brene Brown also talks about the difference between belonging and fitting in. When you try to fit in, you don't show up as your authentic self. You change yourself, you modify yourself, you adjust, and you try to fit in. So when you walk into a room, you think, okay, who do I have to be in order to fit into this group? But when you belong, you don't have to change yourself. You don't have to ask yourself, who do I have to be? You just authentically be yourself and still belong. So what are you doing? Are you fitting in or do you belong? When you show up as an authentic version of yourself, you belong. People know who you are really deep inside. You're not putting on this facade, you're not putting on a mask, you're just being yourself. Another thing that this client told me is that I am an empath. I can feel people's vibes and I can feel people's negative vibes. And I don't want to feel those negative vibes, so I put on a wall. I kind of hide and I protect myself. And all I do is I just portray this positivity outside because I don't want their negative vibes, so I just only give them positivity. So I don't say anything that might trigger them because I don't want their negative vibes. But that's not true. No one can give you negative vibes if you decide that nothing can change or impact your energy. It's not about negativity at all. You are scared of their negative energy because you feel that others can bring you down, they can hurt you. But what if your worth was not attached to that external validation? You were not looking for others' approval. The only approval or validation you needed was your own, just from yourself. Inside USW, I had one of the ladies go through this whole exercise of where in her life is she looking for external approval. And she came to this aha moment where she realized that from her external appearance, how she dresses up, how she talks, how she looks, to very deep how she shows up in her business, how she talks to a client, everything that she was doing had to do with external approval, external validation. She was always looking for others to like her, to approve her. And that's the reason that her business wasn't growing, because she wasn't setting boundaries even with the clients. And she was doing so much extra work for them. She didn't even have boundaries with her own employees who work for her. So we totally changed this idea of external approval for her. So she started setting boundaries with her employees on timings and how what to expect from them, and also with her clients. She even was able to raise her prices because she started believing in her truth, in her own value. So this is not about being an empath and trying to not hurt others or just you can feel their negative vibes. No, it is about you protecting yourself because somewhere in the past you were hurt and you made that your identity now. You figured from that one experience, or maybe two experiences, or maybe ten experiences of life, that I have to protect myself and I don't want others' negative vibes. You also made this belief that people have bad intentions. What if you believed in the goodness of others? People are good at heart. I truly believe that every single person out there is a good person. They have good intentions. Unless they were medically diagnosed a psychopath or something, most people have good intentions. They are just reacting to situations, reacting to you, reacting to your words. That's all that's happening. Their perspectives are different, and then emotions come in, and we think they are out there to hurt us, but that's not what's happening. So when you made this belief that people have negative vibes, everyone out there has bad intentions, then you put up this wall to hide yourself, to protect yourself. And then you think you start believing that I will not show my true self. Because if I show my true self, then I'll be either too much for them or too less for them. What if you were just right? You were not too much, you were not too less, you were just right. Remember that Goldilocks story when the porridge is either too hot or too cold or just right? You will always, always, always be just right for your people when you show up as your authentic self, when you don't put a mask on, when you don't put a wall up. What if when you showed up as your true self, you attracted the people who loved you for you? In fact, these same people that you think have negative vibes or have selfish motives will also treat you with respect and not use you because they see the real you. Because you always are very good with setting your boundaries. You make things clear, there's no ambiguity, there's no confusion. There is a project, let's say you're working on, and I'm talking, let's say, community or friends, you're putting up some event, for example, and the duties were decided, but you didn't see anything, so you took on all this. Now you have too much on your plate, and then you started resenting, and then you kept doing and you got super tired and you're you were just burnt out, and then you go back and say, Oh, this is not fair, you put gave me all this work. Did you speak up? Did you say this is too much? Because if you didn't, people cannot read your mind. They don't know. Or maybe you were doing some volunteering in a group, and now you feel, oh, I'm burnt out because you took on too much, and now you say, Well, I should get paid for this. Did you speak up in the beginning? And if right now you suddenly feel that no, I think this is too much, then it's okay to go and speak up. But that would only happen when you truly are believing in your own worth. When people see that they can't bend you, when they feel your energy, that you are so grounded in your own truth, your identity, that they don't even try to sway you. They start respecting you. I'll give you an example of a few friends. So let's uh I'm one of those friends, but let's say there's me and there's a friend, uh let's call her A, and a friend B. Both me and A are friends with B. And what I'm hearing from person A that B is always very needy, very clingy. She's expecting too much from her. She's always asking her for so many things, and she's overprotective, she's over-needy and jealous when A spends time with someone else. On the other hand, my experience with this person B is a very grounded relationship. We're not very, very close. And I'm talking about just not like deep friendships, I'm talking about a big friend circle of groups, and there's no deep friendships, but everyone is friends with each other, let's say. With me, the relationship with B is very grounded. When she needs some help, if I can, I say yes, if I can't, I say no. And she never has ever from day one said that, oh, you're not helping me, da da da. Why? Because from day one, I have set my boundaries. I showed up as my authentic self. Even though I didn't in the beginning say it with words, like she didn't even ask me for anything, I didn't even say no, she just knew from my energy how much she can bend me. But with the friend A, she could feel that she could overextend herself, she could bend this person. So she kept asking for more and more and more and more. And as I told you, that I was a people pleaser my entire life. I have lost friendships. Once I said that, oh, I can't do that. I was always available. I did a post on Instagram about that. I believed that my worth is attached to helping others. I made them believe that I'll always be here for you. And I'm not saying in friendship you're not always there. But what does always there mean? Does always there mean that they can call you at 2 a.m.? That's where your boundaries come in. You are a good friend. Yes, I'll be there for you. Yes, I'll answer your phone at 2 a.m. But that also means that if I need you at 2 a.m., then you are there for me. So I lost friendships once I started believing in my worth and I started setting boundaries. I lost some of those friends because they were used to this people-pleaser version of me. And now they didn't like this new version of me. So people who are used to seeing you sacrifice will never celebrate when you start choosing yourself. Because you sacrificing yourself for their needs works in their favor. And the moment you start setting boundaries and the moment you start choosing yourself, it doesn't work for them anymore. So all this to say that if you're facing this, if you're finding that people are that you don't have many friends, and that over and over you feel that people use you, abuse you, and if you choose yourself, people don't like it, then I want you to take a moment and look within yourself. Look at your past and see when and where did I train them to treat me this way. When did I allow them to behave this way with me? Because at the end, people will always treat you the way you treat yourself. If you don't treat yourself with love and respect, they will not treat you with love and respect. If you don't love yourself fiercely, they will not love you. They will like you, they'll be your friend, but it won't be a deep friendship. It would be a superficial relationship. If this episode resonated with you, if you feel that how much your life is being impacted, your personal life, your friends, your relationships, your business life, just because you're a people pleaser, then let's connect. Send me a message on Instagram at Sunny underscore lamba and let me show you how USW can shift this for you. This is just one little part of the program, but this one episode covered external validation, it covered your self-worth, it covered boundaries. Imagine when you start switching all these things and shifting them around. We are very soon going to open the doors for the new new round, the next round, and let's chat. Let me show you what is possible for you. Go and tag me on your stories at Sunny underscore lamba on Instagram and tell others about this. If you know someone who is struggling with this, who is a people pleaser, who needs to hear this episode, share it with them. The more we share this, the more women can step into their power and can be just truly authentic to themselves. And on that note, this is Sunny signing off. Until next time, keep loving yourselves and stay flothentic. Thank you for listening to the Flothantic Me podcast. Did you relate to something or had an aha moment? I would love to hear your thoughts. Connect with me on Instagram at Sunny underscore lamba. You can also sign up for a newsletter so that you can get weekly tips and tool. Until next time, keep loving yourself and stay flothentic.